It is an honor that you are here, Thank you!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

9 Months on the 16th

Well folks, I am preparing for my 3 days visit to Toronto. Yep it's that time again, where ill be assessed with my new lungs of only 9 months old (In me anyhow) I still don't know anything about my donor, and I am waiting patiently to see if they will respond to my "Thank You" card. Not that saying Thank you isn't a a good thing, it's just not the right thing, or words I want to use. Thank you is just so plain, i want to shout from the roof tops and tell the world that I have new lungs, I have a second chance to be someone I have always wanted to be, I have to opportunity to help others who were in my situation, see the light (but not that light).

You will never understand the impact this has had on my life, you think you might understand, but you have no idea. It's a feeling of freedom, and relaxation. A feeling of rest, at night when coughing isn't your main focus, it's a feeling that you can experience things you have never been able to in a long time. Like walking down the street, dancing and taking a long, hot shower without focusing on breathing alone.

9 months, I have had these babies for 9 months, and have I really done anything to appreciate them, besides taking the many anti-rejection pills... um nope. I don't go to the gym as much as I should, so I am paranoid about the H1N1 being in the gym right now, but before that I was just afraid everyone was looking at me saying, look at the over weight girl... yeah I have negative thoughts also, I a not always as upbeat and happy as I seem. Sometime I just want to rip my hair out and scream. Mostly because I hate the way I look right now, all puffy and fat in places that they say is impossible to get rid of.

My meds, make me feel all loopy and weird, I have an appetite so big that the only time I know to stop eating is when I feel like I am going to puke, and sometimes end up doing. i hate that my engagement ring is too small, and I can't wear it, I hate that the people i love the most think this weight gain is good and makes me look healthy, but they just don't understand how depressed and upset it makes me. I eat healthy, and walk every night, and nothing.

Sure people say give it time, your weight will balance out... yeah when? It's been nine months and it's only starting to balance out now, with ugly stretch marks on thighs to prove it. Is there a cure for stretch marks, well according to Dr. OZ... NO, there isn't a cure or a fix for stretch marks. Lucky me, not only do I feel fat, and look ugly, I have stretch marks that make me unappealing to even myself, I can only imagine what my husband thinks. Don't say he loves me just the way I am, because that's a bunch of bull shit. If he loves me just the way i am, then things would be just the way they were, and they aren't.

Well, now that i have bantered for a little while, I'll press on with this one last note...

I leave for Vancouver in 11 weeks. Woohoo!!!