Well folks, I am preparing for my 3 days visit to Toronto. Yep it's that time again, where ill be assessed with my new lungs of only 9 months old (In me anyhow) I still don't know anything about my donor, and I am waiting patiently to see if they will respond to my "Thank You" card. Not that saying Thank you isn't a a good thing, it's just not the right thing, or words I want to use. Thank you is just so plain, i want to shout from the roof tops and tell the world that I have new lungs, I have a second chance to be someone I have always wanted to be, I have to opportunity to help others who were in my situation, see the light (but not that light).
You will never understand the impact this has had on my life, you think you might understand, but you have no idea. It's a feeling of freedom, and relaxation. A feeling of rest, at night when coughing isn't your main focus, it's a feeling that you can experience things you have never been able to in a long time. Like walking down the street, dancing and taking a long, hot shower without focusing on breathing alone.
9 months, I have had these babies for 9 months, and have I really done anything to appreciate them, besides taking the many anti-rejection pills... um nope. I don't go to the gym as much as I should, so I am paranoid about the H1N1 being in the gym right now, but before that I was just afraid everyone was looking at me saying, look at the over weight girl... yeah I have negative thoughts also, I a not always as upbeat and happy as I seem. Sometime I just want to rip my hair out and scream. Mostly because I hate the way I look right now, all puffy and fat in places that they say is impossible to get rid of.
My meds, make me feel all loopy and weird, I have an appetite so big that the only time I know to stop eating is when I feel like I am going to puke, and sometimes end up doing. i hate that my engagement ring is too small, and I can't wear it, I hate that the people i love the most think this weight gain is good and makes me look healthy, but they just don't understand how depressed and upset it makes me. I eat healthy, and walk every night, and nothing.
Sure people say give it time, your weight will balance out... yeah when? It's been nine months and it's only starting to balance out now, with ugly stretch marks on thighs to prove it. Is there a cure for stretch marks, well according to Dr. OZ... NO, there isn't a cure or a fix for stretch marks. Lucky me, not only do I feel fat, and look ugly, I have stretch marks that make me unappealing to even myself, I can only imagine what my husband thinks. Don't say he loves me just the way I am, because that's a bunch of bull shit. If he loves me just the way i am, then things would be just the way they were, and they aren't.
Well, now that i have bantered for a little while, I'll press on with this one last note...
I leave for Vancouver in 11 weeks. Woohoo!!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Ashley "W" & her Daughter Leigha
FRIENDSHIP & love
As time goes by, you start to realize who your true friends are, and what they strive to get out of you as a person. I can safely say that besides my family, I have 3 really good friends, who i connect with on many levels, and have known for many years, and who actually care about me as a person.
Rebecca, Jo and Lisa, are pretty much the three true friends I have. Besides Ashley x2 (yes there are two of you) I think I have a rather impressive number of friends. They say you could how many true friends you have on one hand, and I have 5. Ashley "S" is funny, witty, intellectual, beautiful, even though she feels like shit right now she is still beautiful, courageous and strong. She, like myself, has undergone a Double Lung Transplant, and if we hadn't connected with one another, she might not be here today for me to talk to.
There is a special bond between us, one that only comes from uncertainty, fear and the unknown. As we went through our transplants, it's safe to say neither one of us knew if we ere going to come out of this one with a beating heart, and we did. Why, because we need to teach of what we have learned and what we will encounter as new people in society. True friends never doubt you, always include you and never, ever question your relationship with God. What we have is stronger than crazy glue, and more comforting then a hot glass of Cocoa on a cold frosty winter day. It's just something no one but us, will be able to understand.
Then there is Rebecca, Jo & Lisa, they have been around for it all, and will always be there no matter how much you want to take them by the scruff of the neck, and say "How are you still with me."
These are the true friends. I have known Lisa since we were 5 taking gymnastics together, and we didn't hang out as children, but now we do. Lisa has been there through it all, my worst and my best. Lisa holds a special place in my heart as one of those friends, you just meet, and just happen to get along with famously.
"We're like pees and carrots" - Jenny & Forrest
Rebecca & Jo, have been around since the dawn of time, for as long as I can remember they have always been there. even when they went to University, we still managed to keep in touch. Friends since the age of 5 or 6, and going strong. They have their own families to worry about, yet the still manage to keep me on their radar. Rebecca, came to see me when I had my transplant, before and after. Jo couldn't as she was on the other side of the country, but I knew she was there in spirit and prayer, and that's all that matters.
Ashley "W" is new in my circle. her and her daughter bring me laughter and surprise every day of my life, and I love them for it. Not only do they keep me on my toes, but it's a way for me to get out of my house, venture up some stairs, and be with someone who is non-judgmental and inquisitive about me. Asks how i feel all the time, and let's me vent when I need to, even when it's about my friends mentioned above. But not very often. Not to mention take Leigha, her daughter, away from her for while, we play all the time!
These are my friends, and I love them dearly. Family and spouses are a given, sometimes there are just things you need to keep with just the girls.
I love you all, and can't wait till we all talk again.
I love all my new CF friends too, don't get me wrong. I just have a special something with these people.
I am so there. I am the Hostess with the mostess. People are going to want to come back to CANADA every year after meeting me. I am going to give the VANOC a run for their money that they are going to have to pay me to slow down, and take it easy.
Everyday, i get closer and closer to the big day. i am so excited. My health is going well, had a bought of Pneumonia earlier this month, then caught CMV (Don't ask, I have no clue really). My donor tested positive, so when i got sick, I now test positive also. Damn CMV. But this will all be taken care of before I leave fore VANCOUVER on less than 90 days.
I am so excited to be a part of these Olympic games it's nuts. I have gotten i contact with the Transplant team in Vancouver, should anything happen that way, and also the CF team in Vancouver, just to be safe. Getting my letter from Dr. Aaron/Cameron about the meds I am on, so when I fly they don't ask a thousand questions. Got my flu and H1N1 shot, so I am ready to go.
I hope to get some red mittens soon, so I can wear them with the utmost pride. Woohoo, VANCOUVER here I come.
I am not excited at all... really I'm not! :)
See you soon.